Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

*Please note that this is written simply as something to think about concerning interactions with others. It is not written as a personal response to any one person’s actions or to attack anyone. If nothing else, it is important for me to write as a reminder to myself as to how I would like to improve my relationships/communications with others.

I thought this was a fitting quote. Sometimes I think people view me as "lost." “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.”
-- Dalai Lama

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and today I feel it is important for me to write. Drew and I would like to have children. Anyone who really knows us knows this much. Some people don’t know that we are currently unable to have children of our own. Please don’t confuse this with we will never have any of our own but currently it is not easily achieved. We have not used contraception for five years.

The next question that usually follows this tidbit of news is “How much testing have you done?” Honestly, not much. The first round of blood tests showed everything was normal. That should be a positive thing but instead it was frustrating. So, unlike many, we have not pursued medical testing. I admire those who have. I recognize them as some of the strongest people I know. There is a lot of heartache and not a lot of privacy in the manner. I’m not up for that. Instead, we have patiently waited for the right time to adopt.We continue to wait but in the mean time we do recognize the Lord’s hand in our lives. I know that He is aware of our situation and the only one who fully understands our hearts.

Here is the part I most want to share. In a quiet moment with myself I thought about what I wish someone would say when they learn of our situation. So many women I talk to have plenty of stories to tell about what was said to them, “Oh I know so and so that went through that,” “Here’s how you get pregnant…” or “Well, I have a 2 year old that you can have.” I understand you want to sympathize but right now that so and so that you know and has children now, does not pertain to me. I don’t need your advice on how to conceive, frankly it’s not happening. And realistically I would love to take your rowdy child home with me right now but you’d miss them within a few hours, you know you would.

So what would be a better response? I came to the conclusion that the best thing to say to someone in this type of situation is, “How are you holding up? How are you doing today?” I think it would go a long way to find out if they have a good support system, if they feel like they matter, if they feel like there is someone willing to lend a listening ear.

Some days, including today, I don’t mind our current family status. I love that I spend every day with my best friend and I understand that our demands from school, work, and church callings are taking up enough of our time together. I love that we’ve had time to work on our friendship and “grow up” together and decide on what it is we really want out of life. But of course given the chance I'd still take the additional responsibility/distraction/joy of a child any day.

Other days, it is THE MOST devastating feeling to know that another day, week, month, year has gone by that we have been unable to welcome someone new to our family. That it is more time spent without the joys (and sorrows) that accompany parenthood. That there is an empty void in life that cannot be filled and there is no telling when it will be. Times when I cannot avoid the feelings of longing and heartache because I cannot fulfill my divine mission. Knowing that I may never see the sweet combination of our cutest and quirkiest features. Other days, it's harder than anything I ever imagined in ways I never previously considered.

To sum it up I feel like the reply of “How are you holding up? How are you doing today?” could be applied to many difficult situations. If you hear of someone who is unemployed, diagnosed with illness, facing financial hardship, recently moved away from home, been hurt by someone, potty training a defiant toddler, etc. listen to their story, and then let that be your guide whether to offer sympathy, advice, or nothing more than a listening ear.